I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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