About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
