I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs are out for the taking
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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