She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
