3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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