What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
