Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
