My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
