she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
