dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
