Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at about main and main street
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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