I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
