Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
