I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
