I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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