I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
