Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
