She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
