Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
