Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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