someone threw a dead crab at me
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
