I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
