think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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