I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
