i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
