My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
