Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?