Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.

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(502): I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away. http://tfl.nu/vvbq

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.

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(336): Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh. http://tfl.nu/7dtp

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(619): You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there. http://tfl.nu/abjc

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(803): Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops. http://tfl.nu/javd

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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(608): dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable http://tfl.nu/uv0g

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(239): I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself" http://tfl.nu/9vkt

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

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(732): I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink. http://tfl.nu/afd8

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(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

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(407): I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight. http://tfl.nu/a28b

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(419): ... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette. http://tfl.nu/oqik

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(907): View more from Alaska

I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....

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(907): I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on.... http://tfl.nu/kmcf

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

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(+64): The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care. http://tfl.nu/n9x9

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

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(860): I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct http://tfl.nu/jyp0

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker

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(612): Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker http://tfl.nu/kwb8

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(303): View more from Colorado

When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?

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(303): When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight? http://tfl.nu/mdtp

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(206): View more from Washington

Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.

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(206): Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning. http://tfl.nu/yefg

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