I'm lost and stupid without you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
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Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....