hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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