you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
