The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
