we're chasing vodka with high fives
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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