She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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