It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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