It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
