it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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