My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
