Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i have two assholes
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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