i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
