I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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