matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Your penis caused this!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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