I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
