guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
