Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
