Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
