Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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