I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
