She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
