My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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