I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
