Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
