I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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