Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
