this beer tastes like vomit already
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
