I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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